Whiny the sequel

It’s February everybody, which means that it is once again time for some Deity-sanctioned basketball games! When it comes to church basketball games Jarom always has two clear goals going in: Win the game and drive someone on the other team crazy. He doesn’t always win, but he is batting pretty close to 1.000 on the other front. And this season hasn’t been any different. Going into tonight’s game the team was 1-1 and Jarom had sufficiently bothered at least 2 people. If anybody wants to remember some of Jarom (and Nate’s) past glory, you can read about this little girl.

Tonight’s game had a dire outlook from the start. There were only 4 players, so they had to make the coach (usually a player but with a damaged knee from last week) fill in wearing his jeans and unable to move faster than a brisk walk. But the shots were falling, and the other team played a passive zone defense which allowed them to milk a lot of clock to catch their breath and get a fifth, mobile player there. With a few seconds left in the first half they were up by 5. Then the real game started. Whiny McTemper, the other team’s point guard, got the rebound and pushed the ball up the court, with Jarom playing tight defense. He hit a great 3-pointer at the buzzer and proceeded to yell “Get off me!” Jarom responded by letting him know how tough he thought he was. This prompted some chirping from Whiny, and Jarom knew that he had found his target.

The forces of good held a small but consistent lead throughout the second half, and Jarom worked on Whiny every chance he got. The steam was building. With 3:00 left they had a 1 point lead and the ball. Jarom and others dribbled around for about a minute and then called a timeout. Then they did it again. So there is now about a minute to play. After some more time killing there is a wide open layup that is taken and missed, and two players simultaneously grab the rebound. It is Nate and Whiny. It is clearly a jump ball, but neither of them will let go for like 3 or 4 seconds as they roll around on the ground. Finally Nate gets off of Whiny, who is going crazy and looks like he is going to throw a punch. So Jarom, the unlikely voice of reason, steps between the two to avoid anything crazy. What could possibly upset Whiny more than Jarom holding him back? Nothing. So he shoves Jarom and explains to him in his best 3rd grade vocabulary that he is not to put his hands on him.



So it is bad guy’s ball with 10 seconds to play. They run a play; guy takes a shot, misses the shot and calls foul. Whiny starts screaming about how it was an intentional foul and how he can’t believe that they would stoop so low. He has sufficiently blown his top that one of his teammates declares that he is no longer interested in playing with him and walks off. So now they have 4 players and only a few seconds. They pass the ball in and time runs out, at which point one of the players (we’ll call him Whiny Junior) punts the ball towards the stage at the other end, you know, where the wives and children are sitting. Jarom comments on the maturity level of said action. This prompts Whiny to throw a punch at him. It landed on his shoulder, so no harm done. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he had no intention of hitting Jarom’s face, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if his right cross is just as bad as his jumper (bazinga.)

The game is now over, but Whiny is just getting warmed up. He starts up complaining to Jarom’s bishop, who was one of the players in the game. He says that it is embarrassing that a bishop would condone such terrible sportsmanship by members of his congregation. Whiny clearly doesn’t understand irony. The bishop wisely ignored him. So Whiny had to resort to passive-aggressive loud conversations that were with other people but really directed at the bishop repeatedly threatening to “call your stake president!”

Actual picture of Whiny McTemper

Most of the people go home, and a few, including Jarom, stay to play some pickup games. Whiny sits in the gym for about 15 minutes, despite everybody asking him to go home and cool off. Finally he leaves, but pokes his head back in 15 minutes later. It turns out that he and some buddies were just waiting outside for the pickup game to end so that they could confront the bishop and/or Jarom. They were once again asked to leave, and seemed to. After the pickup game ended Jarom left with a few other guys, wary of getting jumped. And as he got in his car and began pulling out of the church he saw another car on the other side of the lot turn on its lights and start moving. Undoubtedly this was those same idiots with the genius plan to follow him home, harass him on the road, who knows what. Even though they probably wouldn’t have done anything other than talk tough and try to intimidate him, Jarom figured it was a smarter move to just avoid them altogether. So he easily evaded their tailing efforts and made sure they didn’t stay with him as he went home.

All in all, a pretty awesome night. I will never cease being amazed at how emotional people get over things that are as trivial and meaningless as a loosely organized stake pickup basketball tournament with no awards or prizes of any kind. I’m just sad that nobody got it on film.